Happy Belated Birthday

Yesterday would have been my Mom's 61st birthday.  I thought about her all day and wished that I could have given her a hug and told her I loved her.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!

I love you and miss you very much.

A Thing of Beauty

Not to everyone but to those who lived through the drought last year and didn't get to see any of this. . . . .it is a awesome sight! 

Since the hay man got everything baled today I went for a walk with my new camera and took some pictures of it!  I also got some pictures of my favorite animal but I will share those later.  I would have enjoyed my walk more if I had not been swarmed by 20 billion gnats!

Hope you're having a good week.  Today was Monday #5 so now there are only 4 until school is out!

Remembering

Today was such a beautiful day.  It will probably be our last cool spring like day.  With the beauty of the day there has been a sadness sitting right on the surface of my mind.  Days like this make me really miss my Mom.  If she were here she would have been working on flowerbeds and we would have spent some time talking about what flowers I should put in my flowerbed.  I miss her so much.  Friday on my way home from work I called her cell phone just to hear her voice.  It is so hard to believe that it has been over two years since we spoke to each other.  The last time was February 25, 2010.  We talked as we waited for the ambulance to get to MD Anderson to move Mom back home.  I don't remember if we talked once we got to the hospital at home.  I wish I could remember.  I wish I could talk to her, hug her, spend time with her, smell her perfume and to laugh with her.  I wish that God would have had other plans for her.  I wish he would have let us spend more time with her.  Yes, I am selfish and right this minute I really don't care.  I still need my Mom.  I need her everyday.

The other thing I have really been thinking about is our baby boy.  I have been reading some of the blogs on Kellys Korner that posted on her Show Us Your Life: Mom's Who Have Lost Babies.  Oh these ladies are so much stronger than me.  Again, I am selfish, I want my baby here with me.  I have recently helped host two baby showers for ladies from our church.  Oh, if people only knew how hard it is to do that when all you want is to be anticipating the arrival of your own bundle of joy.  Instead if I want to spend time with my little boy I have to go to the cemetery where I can't hold him, or touch him or smell him.  All I can do is sit on the bench and talk to him.  Thank goodness for the fact that he is buried right beside my Mom so I can talk to them both at the same time.  It is so hard to believe that he would be 4.  I wonder what he would look like.  What would he like to do?  What would he like to eat?  Who would he look like?  I know I have written this before and I probably will again.  I wish I knew what God's plan is for us.  Will we ever become parents or will we always be on the outside looking in at all of those who have the privilege of being parents?

On the bright side of this beautiful day is that two of the five cocoons that I have at my house have turned into Painted Lady butterflies.  I think I have two more that are getting close to doing the same thing.  I wish they could have done this while at school.  I am glad I brought them home so I could watch them.  Well, that is all for today.  I am tired.  Typing and crying make me tired.  I hope that you are having a great weekend.  Hug the ones you love because you never know if there will be a next time for you to do it.

SUYL: Mom's Who Have Lost Babies

I am joining up with Kelly's Korner for a Show Us Your Life.  Today's topic is Mom's Who Have Lost Babies.  I wish with all of my being that I never knew what it was like but I do, not once, not twice but three times.  The first time was at 12 weeks and the third time was also around 12 weeks.  The second time was at nearly six months.  Instead of having to type it up again and going through  the pain of it all I am posting the journal I was keeping, starting from when we first found out we were pregnant until we lost our son. I was also going to add some of our pictures from the hospital and the cemetary but I decided that my journal was personal enough and the pictures were way too personal to put on here.

Our lives changed forever on December 21, 2007 when our baby boy was born asleep.  This is our story.

12/21: Mommy hasn’t felt good today or yesterday. When daddy got home from work, we headed to Wal-Mart to get some medicine that Renee had told us to get. On the way something happened and we realized that you were going to be in trouble. We headed to the hospital and fast as we could and called Dr. B on the way. He was going to meet us there asap. You were coming and it was too early for that to happen. Why wasn’t mommy able to realize earlier that something was wrong? I am so sorry that I didn’t know you were in trouble. Oh how sorry I am for not knowing. It is tearing me apart to think that I didn’t realize that something was wrong. We got to the ER and they sent us upstairs to labor and delivery. The nurses were hurrying around trying to get everything ready for your arrival. Dr. B told them that you would not make it when you were born because you were still too young. You made your arrival at 3:25 pm, feet first. The nurses wrapped you up in a blanket and laid you on my chest so daddy and I could see our beautiful baby boy. You looked like your daddy; you had his pointed nose, long fingers and big feet! You even had your tongue sticking out of your mouth a little bit. You looked so cute. The nurses took you so they could weigh and measure you. You were 5 ½ inches long and weighed in at 13 ounces. Then they dressed you in the loveliest gown, hat and blanket and brought you back to us. Memom, gran, Aunt Rae, great memom, Aunt Lou Ellen, grandmommy and granddad were able to come in and see you; Ms. Shelley was able to see you too. At about 3:40 pm Dr. B came in to talk to us about you and to check on Mommy. Mommy was ok but she was so sad because you weren’t going to be going home with her and dad. The nurses were asking for a name for you. We hadn’t really talked about names because you weren’t supposed to come so soon. We were going to work on that during the Christmas holidays. Daddy finally came up with the most perfect name. We named you RDS; you were named R after my granddad and D after daddy’s granddad. Everyone liked your name. Granddad and grandmommy had to leave so they said goodbye to their first grandson. Aunt Rae had her camera in the car so we were able to take pictures with you so we can always look at them to see how sweet you were. At about 5:00 or so, they came and took you away from us. Memom, gran, Aunt Rae and Aunt Lou Ellen had to leave so they said their goodbyes and left. Great memom stayed with us while they were gone. They moved mommy to a different room to spend the night. Daddy had to go back and check to see if the professional photographer had ever shown up to take your pictures. Grandmommy and Memom made their way back to mommy’s room to stay with her. They finally arrived and took your pictures and then the nurses called the funeral home to come pick you up. Sometime after 10, Dustin from Callaway-Jones came to pick you up. He brought you to us so that we could tell you goodbye. Grandmommy and Memom stepped outside so it was just you, daddy and I. It was nice to spend time with just the three of us. It gave us a chance to talk to you and to tell you how much we loved you and that we were going to miss you so very much. We finally had to give you back to Dustin so he could take you away. We were going to have a memorial service for our precious boy the next day. Grandmommy and Memom left to go home. Memom and Aunt Rae had been in a wreck after you were born and Memom needed to check on Aunt Rae. Gran and Aunt Lou Ellen were just getting back into town after going to tell Great Grandmommy about you. Mommy and Daddy tried to sleep but didn’t do too good of a job.



12/22: Dr. B came to see mommy early this morning to check on her again and to let her go home from the hospital. Mommy was missing you so much. Daddy came back to the hospital to pick mommy up so they could go home and get ready for the sad day they were going to have. Then we met Memom and Gran at the funeral home. We met with Cody who told us what was going to happen. He showed us the beautiful casket they had for you. It was white satin and I am sure that you looked so handsome in it. You were going to be buried at the Wellborn Cemetery not to far from your great granddad who you were named after. Mommy and Daddy had to go home and get ready for your memorial service. We arrived at the cemetery and were so surprised to see all of the people who had come to tell you goodbye. L P preached a lovely service for you. He is such a gentle man and tried to help us with scriptures from the bible. J J lead a beautiful song called “Be With Me Lord”. The whole service was lovely, the flowers were gorgeous. Memom and gran had a wonderful casket spray done for you; it had all different colored flowers in it. Great memom had an arrangement done with the most beautiful flowers in it. We had it at home and I get to see it every time I walk through the living room. Aunt Rae, Aunt B, Uncle S, M and T had another beautiful arrangement done for you. Memom got some of the flowers out of them for mommy to keep forever. We finally had to go and leave you forever. I have to tell you that it was the hardest thing your daddy and I have ever had to do. We will miss you so very much but we know that you are in heaven with our wonderful savior and we hope to one day see you again. Please remember that we loved you from the first time we knew that you would be coming into our lives. We knew that you would be so very special and that our lives would never be the same again. We will always love you and we will never forget about our first-born son, RDS.


12/25: Christmas day, I don’t really know what to say. I am so empty inside, I miss you so much that you are all I can think about. Your obituary was in the paper today. Great memom did such a wonderful job writing it. The paper spelled daddy’s name wrong. Mommy wasn’t happy about that. There is an online guest book where Memom and Gran, Aunt B & Uncle S and Aunt Rae have written the most wonderful things about you and about how much they are going to miss you.


2/1: It has been six weeks since we lost you. I miss you every minute of everyday.


12/21: Well, it was one year ago today that we lost you precious one. Today was Sunday so we went to church and it was hard. After church we ate lunch at Rudy’s with Memom, Gran, Aunt B, Uncle S, Aunt Rae, Aunt L E, Great-memom, T and M. After lunch we went to the cemetery where Uncle S said a prayer and then we put a beautiful arrangement on your grave that Memom had made for you. It had red poinsettias, a gingerbread man and some candy canes. It was so pretty. I still miss you everyday. You were such a special gift to us. We just wish that we could have had you in our lives everyday. I love you.

And 4 years later we still miss you so much and pray that one day we will get to hold your siblings in our arms.

I have shortened this from the original post because it was too long!

Five

 6 weeks down and only one more to go!!!!!  Can't believe I made it.  But I am already looking forward to next school year!!

Busy Weekend but I Got Nothing Done!

This has been a very busy weekend and I haven't gotten anything done!  Yesterday my little sister and I went to the Bluebonnet Festival in Chapel Hill which is one of two  big craft shows the little town hosts twice a year.  The weather was pretty nice and we had a really good time.  We don't get to do much together because she has such a busy schedule so I cherish the small amounts of time we get to do something fun together.  We talked about Mom and we laughed about some of our funny memories and we cried a little and we each thought about how much we miss her.  I bought a couple of things one being a cute wood sign that says "Bless this family" and a really cute leather hair clip.  My sister found some really cute things too.  One of them was a Scentsy warmer that is being discontinued.  It is "The Cow Jumped Over the Moon".  She bought it to put in her box of baby things she bought when we were expecting out little Giggles.  She has more faith that we will be parents than I do.  She also has the cutest little lamb in that box.  I don't know what else is in that box.
Today was a pretty crazy day.  After church I went to a baby shower for a new couple at church and I got to use my new camera some more.  My sister got to learn how to use it some too.  The mom to be got a lot of cute things for the baby girl they are expecting.  Following the shower I had to go to a viewing for a friend from high school.  It was actually the step-brother of my best guy friend from my senior year (his family treated me like family and I spent so much time at their home so they felt like family).  The death of his step-brother was especially difficult for his family because he made the choice to end his life.  He left behind a wife and three children along with a brother, a step-brother, step-sister, nieces and nephews.  It was so good to see his family because I haven't seen them in a long time but I really hate the circumstances that brought us together.  Tonight my heart hurts for them and I  pray for peace and comfort for my "other" family as they struggle to understand why this happened. 

Tomorrow

I am going to have a very stressful day tomorrow so if you have a minute or two could you please say a prayer for me.  Just pray that I don't let my nerves get the best of me and that I can remember what I know.  Thanks!  :)

Happy Easter

I hope that you had a wonderful Easter Sunday.  We went to church, stopped at home to put a corn casserole in the oven, went to my Dad's house for pictures, stopped at the house to pick up the corn casserole and change clothes and then headed over to the in-laws for a lunch of lasagna, greenbeans, corn casserole, salad and birthday cake.  It was my brother-in-laws birthday.


I got a new camera a few weeks ago and I took some pics of my sister RAW, my Dad and several friends who had lunch with my Dad.  Boy, have I got a lot of learning to do to get good pictures!!  Below are some I have taken over the last few months with my little HP camera.  The sunset is on my way home from work one day.  It was so pretty.  The middle one is just one that I thought looked kind of cool.  It was also one night on my way home from work.  The last one is just the sky on our way back to our hotel after spending the day in Fredericksburg.


As with all holidays, today was really hard.  I really missed my Mom today.  Well, I really miss her everyday.  Since it is spring I miss shopping for plants for the flowerbeds and so many more things that I won't bore you with.  Just know that my Mom was my best friend and I miss her so much.

My Dad is doing great following his heart procedure.  He is chomping at the bit to be able to get back to his normal life.  I love my Dad so much and I am so glad that he is doing better!!