Monday, April 18, 2011


I have been MIA for the last few days for no other reason than I haven't had anything to write about.  I have been sick with a sinus infection and probably bronchitus.  I say probably because my Doctor's office has changed their checking out procedures.  I pay before I go see the doc so now I don't get the receipt telling me what the diagnosis is and we talked about a lot of things when I was there and forgot to ask what I had.  I thought that the sinus infection was going to killl me.  The pain it was causing in my head, ear and jaw was so painful that I wasn't able to sleep or think for that matter.  I am hoping to be fully recovered this week so I can get some things done.
I saw something on tv today that made me think of the expectations I have always had for myself.  It was an interview on Rachael Ray with Sarah Brokow where she talked about the expectations that she had for herself that were based on what her Mom had done.  I have always done the same thing and have always felt inferior because I couldn't do what my Mom could do and did.  I thought that I would get married young and be done having kids by the time I was 23.  Well, I wasn't even  married until I was 26 but I still thought that I would have my kids soon after getting married because that is what Mom did.  Mom didn't have problems getting pregnant so why would I think that I would have a problem.  Well, 14 years of marriage and my 40th birthday have passed and there are still no kids in our family or in our future.  My Mom could do anything she set her mind to and well, I don't have that ability.  I was always calling her for help on most things I did just to make sure I was doing it right.  And the last three years have done nothing to help with my feelings of inferiority.  I mean, I went to college to get my degree so I could do the job that I felt was my calling. . . three + years later and I still have no job.  I don't want to settle for a job, I want to do what I was trained to do.  I want to teach.  Then six days after graduation our little boy was stillborn.  Then another miscarriage.  And last but not least my Mom gets sick and passes away.  Life has not been easy and I feel like I have failed in so many ways.  Well, I am not really sure where I was going with this but I guess I said all that to say that sometimes I set really high expectations for myself and am really unhappy with myself because I feel like I don't meet them.  And what this has to do with Sarah Brokow is that she has written a book called Fortytude:  Making the Next Decades the Best Years of Your Life and I think I need to read it.  So there you have it.  Something that I have thought about writing about but wasn't sure about letting the world read about my most  private feelings.  And I know that it isn't very well written but well, that's life.
And now on to other things.  The weather here has been so hot.  Today I think the high was 95.  Where did Spring go?  Yes, Jennifer we usually have spring with very nice temperatures and rain but not this year.  I was looking at the grass as I was driving to town and it isn't green, there are hardly any wildflowers but there is lots of dirt.  Our state is in drought conditions and our county and those surrounding us are in extreme drought conditions.  According to our weatherman we have not had any measureable precipitation since September.  There are huge wildfires - over 1 million acres burned this year and I pray everyday that the not so smart people that live around us will not start any fires because of the lack of moisture.  Please pray for those whose lives have been lost, homes have been lost, the fire fighters and all others affected by the fires and drought.
And last but not least, I had the a/c people come look at my a/c because it was starting to have a water leak and wouldn't you know it. . . .tonight it isn't working right.  And the temps are not going to be very cool tonight so thank goodness for fans!
I hope you are all having a good week.  I have felt better today.  That is until I went looking for an Easter dress today and couldn't find anything!!!  Maybe tomorrow I will have better luck.  That is after the a/c guys get here.

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