Saturday, April 21, 2012
SUYL: Mom's Who Have Lost Babies
I am joining up with Kelly's Korner for a Show Us Your Life. Today's topic is Mom's Who Have Lost Babies. I wish with all of my being that I never knew what it was like but I do, not once, not twice but three times. The first time was at 12 weeks and the third time was also around 12 weeks. The second time was at nearly six months. Instead of having to type it up again and going through the pain of it all I am posting the journal I was keeping, starting from when we first found out we were pregnant until we lost our son. I was also going to add some of our pictures from the hospital and the cemetary but I decided that my journal was personal enough and the pictures were way too personal to put on here.
Our lives changed forever on December 21, 2007 when our baby boy was born asleep. This is our story.
12/21: Mommy hasn’t felt good today or yesterday. When daddy got home from work, we headed to Wal-Mart to get some medicine that Renee had told us to get. On the way something happened and we realized that you were going to be in trouble. We headed to the hospital and fast as we could and called Dr. B on the way. He was going to meet us there asap. You were coming and it was too early for that to happen. Why wasn’t mommy able to realize earlier that something was wrong? I am so sorry that I didn’t know you were in trouble. Oh how sorry I am for not knowing. It is tearing me apart to think that I didn’t realize that something was wrong. We got to the ER and they sent us upstairs to labor and delivery. The nurses were hurrying around trying to get everything ready for your arrival. Dr. B told them that you would not make it when you were born because you were still too young. You made your arrival at 3:25 pm, feet first. The nurses wrapped you up in a blanket and laid you on my chest so daddy and I could see our beautiful baby boy. You looked like your daddy; you had his pointed nose, long fingers and big feet! You even had your tongue sticking out of your mouth a little bit. You looked so cute. The nurses took you so they could weigh and measure you. You were 5 ½ inches long and weighed in at 13 ounces. Then they dressed you in the loveliest gown, hat and blanket and brought you back to us. Memom, gran, Aunt Rae, great memom, Aunt Lou Ellen, grandmommy and granddad were able to come in and see you; Ms. Shelley was able to see you too. At about 3:40 pm Dr. B came in to talk to us about you and to check on Mommy. Mommy was ok but she was so sad because you weren’t going to be going home with her and dad. The nurses were asking for a name for you. We hadn’t really talked about names because you weren’t supposed to come so soon. We were going to work on that during the Christmas holidays. Daddy finally came up with the most perfect name. We named you RDS; you were named R after my granddad and D after daddy’s granddad. Everyone liked your name. Granddad and grandmommy had to leave so they said goodbye to their first grandson. Aunt Rae had her camera in the car so we were able to take pictures with you so we can always look at them to see how sweet you were. At about 5:00 or so, they came and took you away from us. Memom, gran, Aunt Rae and Aunt Lou Ellen had to leave so they said their goodbyes and left. Great memom stayed with us while they were gone. They moved mommy to a different room to spend the night. Daddy had to go back and check to see if the professional photographer had ever shown up to take your pictures. Grandmommy and Memom made their way back to mommy’s room to stay with her. They finally arrived and took your pictures and then the nurses called the funeral home to come pick you up. Sometime after 10, Dustin from Callaway-Jones came to pick you up. He brought you to us so that we could tell you goodbye. Grandmommy and Memom stepped outside so it was just you, daddy and I. It was nice to spend time with just the three of us. It gave us a chance to talk to you and to tell you how much we loved you and that we were going to miss you so very much. We finally had to give you back to Dustin so he could take you away. We were going to have a memorial service for our precious boy the next day. Grandmommy and Memom left to go home. Memom and Aunt Rae had been in a wreck after you were born and Memom needed to check on Aunt Rae. Gran and Aunt Lou Ellen were just getting back into town after going to tell Great Grandmommy about you. Mommy and Daddy tried to sleep but didn’t do too good of a job.
12/22: Dr. B came to see mommy early this morning to check on her again and to let her go home from the hospital. Mommy was missing you so much. Daddy came back to the hospital to pick mommy up so they could go home and get ready for the sad day they were going to have. Then we met Memom and Gran at the funeral home. We met with Cody who told us what was going to happen. He showed us the beautiful casket they had for you. It was white satin and I am sure that you looked so handsome in it. You were going to be buried at the Wellborn Cemetery not to far from your great granddad who you were named after. Mommy and Daddy had to go home and get ready for your memorial service. We arrived at the cemetery and were so surprised to see all of the people who had come to tell you goodbye. L P preached a lovely service for you. He is such a gentle man and tried to help us with scriptures from the bible. J J lead a beautiful song called “Be With Me Lord”. The whole service was lovely, the flowers were gorgeous. Memom and gran had a wonderful casket spray done for you; it had all different colored flowers in it. Great memom had an arrangement done with the most beautiful flowers in it. We had it at home and I get to see it every time I walk through the living room. Aunt Rae, Aunt B, Uncle S, M and T had another beautiful arrangement done for you. Memom got some of the flowers out of them for mommy to keep forever. We finally had to go and leave you forever. I have to tell you that it was the hardest thing your daddy and I have ever had to do. We will miss you so very much but we know that you are in heaven with our wonderful savior and we hope to one day see you again. Please remember that we loved you from the first time we knew that you would be coming into our lives. We knew that you would be so very special and that our lives would never be the same again. We will always love you and we will never forget about our first-born son, RDS.
12/25: Christmas day, I don’t really know what to say. I am so empty inside, I miss you so much that you are all I can think about. Your obituary was in the paper today. Great memom did such a wonderful job writing it. The paper spelled daddy’s name wrong. Mommy wasn’t happy about that. There is an online guest book where Memom and Gran, Aunt B & Uncle S and Aunt Rae have written the most wonderful things about you and about how much they are going to miss you.
2/1: It has been six weeks since we lost you. I miss you every minute of everyday.
12/21: Well, it was one year ago today that we lost you precious one. Today was Sunday so we went to church and it was hard. After church we ate lunch at Rudy’s with Memom, Gran, Aunt B, Uncle S, Aunt Rae, Aunt L E, Great-memom, T and M. After lunch we went to the cemetery where Uncle S said a prayer and then we put a beautiful arrangement on your grave that Memom had made for you. It had red poinsettias, a gingerbread man and some candy canes. It was so pretty. I still miss you everyday. You were such a special gift to us. We just wish that we could have had you in our lives everyday. I love you.
And 4 years later we still miss you so much and pray that one day we will get to hold your siblings in our arms.
I have shortened this from the original post because it was too long!