Saturday, April 21, 2012


Today was such a beautiful day.  It will probably be our last cool spring like day.  With the beauty of the day there has been a sadness sitting right on the surface of my mind.  Days like this make me really miss my Mom.  If she were here she would have been working on flowerbeds and we would have spent some time talking about what flowers I should put in my flowerbed.  I miss her so much.  Friday on my way home from work I called her cell phone just to hear her voice.  It is so hard to believe that it has been over two years since we spoke to each other.  The last time was February 25, 2010.  We talked as we waited for the ambulance to get to MD Anderson to move Mom back home.  I don't remember if we talked once we got to the hospital at home.  I wish I could remember.  I wish I could talk to her, hug her, spend time with her, smell her perfume and to laugh with her.  I wish that God would have had other plans for her.  I wish he would have let us spend more time with her.  Yes, I am selfish and right this minute I really don't care.  I still need my Mom.  I need her everyday.

The other thing I have really been thinking about is our baby boy.  I have been reading some of the blogs on Kellys Korner that posted on her Show Us Your Life: Mom's Who Have Lost Babies.  Oh these ladies are so much stronger than me.  Again, I am selfish, I want my baby here with me.  I have recently helped host two baby showers for ladies from our church.  Oh, if people only knew how hard it is to do that when all you want is to be anticipating the arrival of your own bundle of joy.  Instead if I want to spend time with my little boy I have to go to the cemetery where I can't hold him, or touch him or smell him.  All I can do is sit on the bench and talk to him.  Thank goodness for the fact that he is buried right beside my Mom so I can talk to them both at the same time.  It is so hard to believe that he would be 4.  I wonder what he would look like.  What would he like to do?  What would he like to eat?  Who would he look like?  I know I have written this before and I probably will again.  I wish I knew what God's plan is for us.  Will we ever become parents or will we always be on the outside looking in at all of those who have the privilege of being parents?

On the bright side of this beautiful day is that two of the five cocoons that I have at my house have turned into Painted Lady butterflies.  I think I have two more that are getting close to doing the same thing.  I wish they could have done this while at school.  I am glad I brought them home so I could watch them.  Well, that is all for today.  I am tired.  Typing and crying make me tired.  I hope that you are having a great weekend.  Hug the ones you love because you never know if there will be a next time for you to do it.

1 comment:

Judi said...

I don't know you and you don't know me, but here is a HUGE hug for you. I am sorry for your sorrow.



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